Goodbyes

I've been thinking a lot about goodbyes lately. The end of a school year always means people will leave. Tomorrow, I will say goodbye to two teachers, one of whom has been an incredible mentor over the last years, and one classmate. Tonight we said goodbye to the Buttons, who have been our close family friends for the last seven years. Mr. Button was one of the first people we met here, and the children, Abigail and Alex, were practically my little siblings for a while. We have spent a lot of time with this family, and it's sad to say goodbye.

On Saturday I have to say goodbye to my good friend, Cariel. Cariel has been here since everything started to fall apart with being sick and everything, and she is an incredibly good friend. I have said goodbye to good friends before, but she has stood with me through a lot, and saying goodbye this time seems extra painful. I still have 48 hours, and we plan to meet up when I go to College, but until then, this is goodbye.

When you say goodbye to a really close friend, you always promise to stay in touch. And if they're a really good friend, you might actually do so. But it is never the same. You cannot share what's really going on, because writing an email isn't the same as talking face-to-face, and a deep message only reminds you more that the person is not there with you and you may not see them again, yet they are also still partially available. I don't know if this makes any sense... but I think that's part of why some of us are so bad at staying in touch. It's easier to pretend the person no longer really exists as you knew them, especially because they can change and you may not know it.

The next two months will be strange, but I've done it before, so it's not so bad. When we go back to the US, there's always this joy to see all of my friends. And of course, because of the culture at our church, it's kind of like going to somewhere with about a hundred family members. The number has decreased over time, but it's always the same: a hug, "I'm so happy to see you", a two minute conversation, and move on to the next person. With our really close friends, we go out for a few meals or spend a good amount of time with them. And then you say goodbye, ready to resume life here again. It is always painful. The last two times I even cried when I had to leave the church the last time. Now I realize that that is an overreaction. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't appreciate the people, it's not that I don't care or feel sad. It's just that as soon as you say goodbye, you have to move on again.

After a friend left last year in October, I promised myself that I would never cry when I said goodbye again. No matter what And I intend to keep that promise. I know a lot of people who seem to feel the same way. After years of goodbyes and the loss of almost all really close friends, it does not get easier. You just push the difficulty away. It may not be the best option, but that's what a lot of us do (whether we are willing to admit it or not). It is the easiest way to manage.

I guess I put this up, as incoherent as I am at this moment, in the hopes that some people in the US will understand the difficulties this portion of life for those of us who have had friends move away constantly, or who have moved around too many times themselves, and that friends here think about the way we say goodbye to each other. Next year, we will all go our separate ways. We will be distributed across several continents. I don't know, that may be a lot harder, but on the other hand, maybe it will be easier than being left behind, or a superficial hello-goodbye thing. Surely it must be easier to say goodbye and move on, than to just be left behind.

The last thing I want to say is some lyrics from one of my favorite songs. I think it speaks for itself...

"Things are changing
It seems strange and
I need to figure this out
You've got your life
I got mine
But you're all I cared about
Yesterday we were laughing
Today I'm left here asking
Where has all the time gone now
I'm left alone somehow
Growing up and getting older
I don't want to believe it's over
Don't say goodbye
Cause I don't wanna hear those words tonight
Cause maybe it's not the end for you and I
And although we knew
This time would come for me and you
Don't say anything tonight
If you're gonna say goodbye"

--"Say Goodbye", by Skillet